


it'll work this time i promise!

by KawaiiNerdChan



Series: The Three Darling Deputies [1]
Category: Far Cry (Video Games), Far Cry 5
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Awkward Sexual Situations, Best Friends, F/M, Flirting, Gift Fic, Humor, Love Triangles, Memes, Multi, Platonic Cuddling, Surprise Kissing, god help me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-20
Updated: 2019-03-20
Packaged: 2019-11-25 19:51:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18170699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KawaiiNerdChan/pseuds/KawaiiNerdChan
Summary: Deputy Teet knew it was a bad idea when her two best friends begged her to take a helicopter to none other than Jacob Seed's veteran centre, she knew it was bad when she saw them pack the wingsuits and she knew it was bad when she recognised the black jeep out front. And yet here she is flying the stupid thing straight to the enemy himself. If Deputy Vega and Jzar didn't kill her then Jacob definitely would - if John would finally let him.





	it'll work this time i promise!

**Author's Note:**

> A one-shot to my two special people, thank you for supporting me with writing 'He calls me wrath' and for making me smile and laugh everyday- I was so happy when you asked me to write this and I hope you two love this, this fic is for the two people I love and I hope anyone else reading will find the humour in it and enjoy it too.  
> (This isn't in the same universe as 'He calls me wrath' - but if people enjoy this I would love to make this a collection of the trio's best moments with the Seeds and other characters!)  
> Thank You all so much!  
> \\(^.^)/

"Are you sure about this? Like are you really sure about this?" I asked as she flew the helicopter through the Whitetail Mountains, the closer and closer we got to our destination the more the dread settled in my stomach, "Are you guys a hundred percent about all this? I mean we're almost there it's not too late to turn back?"

My co-pilot Deputy Vega shakes a crop of blonde hair as she turns to me after adjusting the cap on her head, "We won't get another chance after this one Teetle, Jacob has started catching on to our tactics, we can't sneak in anymore and the last time I just waltzed in there I almost got my throat ripped out by the judges," she grins at me with utter glee as she continues, "There's no way he'll be expecting this! This is the perfect plan!"

"Vega I love you but you said that last time,"

"It is the perfect plan! It'll work this time I promise!"

I turn away unable to resist the puppy dog eyes staring into my soul so I can't help but concede and carry on towards the veteran centre, my brown curls stick to the back of my head with sweat as I stress about what's about to happen, Jacob hadn't been too pleased the last time we broke in. He had found us in our Peggie disguises and had socked me in the face as soon as he recognised me after he pulled the fake beard off, Vega had insisted the fake beards would be a nice touch. I knew that the female disguises would have been more suitable but was unable to say no when both of my fellow deputies chatted excitedly about making the male costumes so I gave up after not having the heart to tell them that this would not fucking work. That's why I sit with my fellow Deputy Vega with a shiner on my right eye after Jacob sent me flying to the ground. 

The three of us deputies had been causing mayhem ever since we arrived at Hope County to arrest the Seeds, I had been the one to cuff Joseph Seed and Deputy Vega had stood by my side with a reassuring smile and a brief signal to point out the older brother in the back, he scowled at the pair of us and Vega couldn't help but wink at him. I had been the one to smack and drag her away as she went to wave, I had her in one hand by the collar of her uniform and Joseph by his shoulder as I led them both through. I had heard Marshall Burke make a grumble about our unprofessionalism. I hadn't argued with him - we had left Deputy Jzar in the helicopter after she wandered off to pet a dog and tried to climb the chained fence to get to it as she couldn't fit her whole hand through the small gaps to give the dog a proper pat, Hudson had picked her up and thrown her back in the chopper when we turned to go to the church. After all that happened with meeting Dutch and saving Fall's End me and the other two had been stuck to each other like glue. Despite knowing each other's first names we called one another by our last names, we didn't want to give the Seeds any information about us so we stuck to our last names as code, though I was torn about having 'Teet' screamed out at me over my last name. Luckily for me Vega gives me a new nickname everyday, today she referred to me as 'Little Egg' which I couldn't tell if it was a compliment or not. We had left Holland Valley for the time being much to my relief, John had been getting more agitated as we caused more trouble, he seemed to hone in on me as the ultimate sinner and he posted by face all over the county, he had also been getting more handsy too much to the delight of Vega, Jzar and Adelaide who had started fanning themselves to mock me after John personally asked for me over the radio.  

I jolt when I hear frantic screaming from outside and I realise that I've started flying a lot lower than I should have, the blades whir along the treetops and slash violently against some of the branches, I pull up quickly. Deputy Jzar was grappled below us due to the limited space. Peering over I see her swinging rapidly and I can hear several words shouted in Austrian which I'm pretty sure are insults, so I dip into a bit of a dive and she starts screaming again. After a scolding look from Vega I eventually pull up and continue forward, I can see the centre in front and judging by the excited smile on Vega's face I can tell she can see it too.

 

"Are you sure about this Vega?"

"When am I ever not sure!"

I hear excited yelling from outside and I see Jzar begin to sway wildly prepping herself for her leap of faith - more like leap of thirst. As we near closer I turn to warn Vega to be careful when I look back she's gone and she's leapt out screaming 'YEET!' as she wingsuits towards the veteran's centre roof. Groaning I scratch my face and watch as she glides towards the centre and she lands gently on the roof with a grace I had never seen with her before, this is the person I had seen trip and fall into the bowl of her own cereal, when she had looked me in the eye and smirked with milk all over her face "Am I a cereal killer Teet?". I walked out at that one.

Vega gives me a thumbs up from the roof as she peers in, she gives me the signal that Jacob is there and she almost slips off the roof as she fumbles for her binoculars to get a closer look at him. I fly a little closer so Jzar has a chance to land quietly as well so they can peek on Jacob. However, she has other ideas when she leaps from her grapple after a few violent swings and wingsuits towards the building, her aim is a little off when she crashes straight into the window at full speed. I glare daggers at Vega who turns to me wide mouthed and shrugs at me sheepishly as she turns to enter the broken window. Growling I fly in closer and out of the corner of my eye I see a jeep that I immediately recognise, it brings a dark scowl to my face as I see John's stupid car parked right outside.

"Deputy Teet? We can see you outside, I suggest you get in here if you don't want us to hurt your little friends here."

Speak of the devil - John Seed croons to me from my walkie talkie and I look back at the window to see him waving at me like some fairy tale princess. I throw an empty can at him and it almost smacks him in the face and it would have if he hadn't dived out the way like the bitch he is. To piss him off further I land slowly and allow the peggies to drag me kicking and screaming after I kill at least five. I'm hauled into Jacob's office where Jzar and Vega stand, they have the right to look ashamed as they stand against the wall, though I can't tell with Jzar due to her dumb dog mask. Jacob sits on his desk with his head in his hands. John is next to him and he's practically bouncing  with glee as he wrings his hands, he beams at me as I walk in and all I can do is scowl. My scowl lifts when I look up and see Jzar is wearing the dog mask that I insisted she didn't wear, the rubber tongue lolls at me as she tilts her head and I let out a snort. 

"Deputy Teet or is it Deputy Wrath you left your little friends here all on their own in order for them to indulge in their sins,"

"John if it isn't my favourite pile of shit! You still upset about your stupid sign?" I grin at him as he scowls and walks over to me, the two peggies let go of my arms and with a nod from Jacob they leave, John however doesn't get the 'leave me alone' motto so I glare at him - known as my glare of a thousand suns - as called by Jzar who is the one who receives all my glares, the last time she got one was when we had been taken by John and I was being drowned. Jzar had decided it was the right time to make a pun and she shouted from her barrel she was being dunked in -"John you make Teet wet!", he had stomped dunking me to look me over, grin and shift closer as he dunked me again and only stopped choking me when Joseph arrived, I still had the ring of purple bruises along my neck. Now whenever we get told John has marked us they point to my neck.

John grabs my cheeks in a mocking soothing gesture and he puffs out my lips like a child, I try to spit on him but end up dribbling down myself. John cracks a smile at that one and he cleans my spit with his forefinger before licking it off, I almost heave at that, was that supposed to be sexy! Vega must agree with me as she chokes behind me and Jzar just begins panic snorting behind her mask. 

Jacob has watched the whole ordeal and he comes towards the two of us, in which John has the brain to step away. Before I can even mock Jacob about his silly wolf slideshows or his daddy fetish I'm punched in the face, I hit his table as I go down and my back collides with the edge as I crash in a heap. Vega goes to run to my side but is stopped when Jacob points a gun at her.

 

"You hit like a woman!" I spit blood on the floor as I try and sit up, my back is gonna hurt for weeks.

Turning to Vega and Jzar who have both put their hands comically in the air to mock Jacob who points the gun at them I can't help but smirk as I say, "I told you this wouldn't work. And I'm sick of the one being punched every time we do this,"

"Teety you are our sacrifice!" Jzar begins to snap her fingers at me as she points to me and then Jacob, "See I'm learning I say that means I get a reward!"

"Oh no fair!" Vega pouts, her hands have dropped to her sides as she stomps her foot. 

"What? Jzar my back may be broke as fuck but I'll punch you in the throat,"

 

John's Gucci ass shoes are in front of me now as he sidles into my vision, I look up at him as he uses his hands to frame my face, "And there's that Wrath! As I was saying Deputy Teet it's time for your atonement and your friends will not be stopping you this time,"

"You think you can stop the dream team! Think again 'Yes Man!'" Shouts Vega, you wouldn't think she has a gun pointed at her head but I know her mind is elsewhere when she stares at the thigh holster on Jacob, he sees her looking as well and he raises an eyebrow, I think he expects her to take a dive for it but all she does is wink. Vega at it again living her dream - lost in her thigh high as she stares at his legs. Speaking of legs that reminds me of something she had said to him, he had been pacing our cages and had stopped at Vega as she had been kicking the cages, he had asked her in an obvious threat 'Do you know what'll I do with these if you don't stop?' she had stared him in the face as she answered as quick as usual in her typical flirty tone - 'What? Wrap them around your head?", when she winked all he did was pull out that music box and that's all I can remember. 

"How about a deal? Deputy Jzar and Deputy Vega - I have a proposition -"

"No," Both say in unison, well Jzar comes out as a muffled scream but it gets the point across to John.

"John I'm not propositioning your anything - I like my men big - with asses and big hands," Vega looks John right in the eyes as she says that, Jzar gets her point across by blatantly staring at John's missing ass. John cuts Jzar off when she goes to shout her next line - "And a big dic-"

"The deal isn't with me!" John shouts with an actual foot stomp, he swivels with his hands on his hip, "And I thought you were the difficult one Wrath, what's their sins my dear you can tell me,"

 

Snorting I go to stand but the pain brings me back down, "They don't have any sins they're just stupid,"

"And flexible," Vega winks at Jacob again. Jzar blows a kiss at him.

I get a kick in the ribs from a muddy boot. Jacob stands over me and I growl a "Fuck off - you ginger slag!"

"Now now Jacob I want Wrath in prime condition when we go to the cleansing - so I would appreciate if you stopped with that,"

Jacob removes his foot off my back and looms over a hands on hip John, "I get it John, I won't break your little toy,"

Before he walks over to Jzar and Vega he kicks me again, I can't stifle the shout at that one. John tuts and actually turns to give an apologetic look, I would have thought he meant it - if he hadn't sent his horde of plane pricks to come and get me.

I watch as Jacob grabs Vega and Jzar by the napes of their necks and leaves his hands resting by their pulse points - I can see the warning in his grip if I don't behave he'll choke them right in front of me - Vega and Jzar don't get the hint and Vega winks at me and Jzar has the audacity to make an exaggerated moan that causes me to sigh heavily.

"So what was the proposition John? I say your favourite word and Jzar and Vega get to what - starve in a cage and listen to love songs from 'Ginger Ninja' over here,"

Vega squeals when Jacob pinches her neck a bit harder, Jzar remains still but I think that's because the mask is too thick to get to her neck, Jacob must realise this too as he releases them both to get in front of Jzar who starts squirming. He rips off her dog mask only to sigh loudly at the fact she's wearing another mask underneath, the peggie one she stole off the hunter from three days ago, after she found it she hadn't taken it off, I still remember how we threw their bodies off the mountain and they slid all the way down and hit a truck - we collected more bodies to see who could slide the furthest. When he rips the second one off he actually growls when he sees her sunglasses that read - 'You eat ass' in big letters across the lenses, I don't even know how she can see out of them but if they aren't on her face they are on top of her head or on Boomer, much to mine and Vega's annoyance.

"Do you?"

Jacob turns to me, "Do I what?"

"You know - munch on a butt burrito?"

He goes to kick me again but John blocks his way this time, all I can do is look at John's stupid plane coat as he blocks my view, I can't see Jacob or Vega now but I see Jzar  as she leans around slowly until I can see her head stick out from behind Jacob, she mouths at me 'Look for a weapon'. That's it! John always has his pistol by his hip - I can't see it as his coat blocks it but I know it'll be there. I realise I'll have to go under his coat to get it so I give Jzar a smile as I get ready to do a snatch and dash. Careful of my ribs and my fucked up spine, I get on my hands and knees and begin crawling slowly to John, when I reach his legs I slowly rise on my knees and I then realise how fucked this situation is as my head is under his coat and his ass is right in my face. Red-faced I bring my hands up slowly so I don't skim his legs or his ass as I raise my hands to his side where I know his holster is. Reaching my hand around I go to clasp the gun - which is sadly not what I do. John makes a choked noise when I grasp his dick. I must have miscalculated the reach I had. When he whips around to stare at me his coat flaps around and I see that there is no holster on his leg and as I raise my head to look up I see that the gun is actually in his inner coat pocket by his chest. I'm not the only one who is shocked by John's change of gun holster as I see that Jzar's mouth is wide open too and Vega is just stifling laughter with her hand.  

"Wrath wrath wrath! I guess I'll have to add lust to your sins now won't I?" John beams at me as he reaches down to cradle my face, I go to bite him and he pulls away with a finger wag, he smiles like he's won something.

"Can you do your foreplay somewhere else we have a 'Mountain Man' to woo?"

I glare at Vega as she stands trying to look innocent after that outburst. Something in John's eyes light up as he turns to Vega and Jzar once again.

"Ah yes! As I was saying - if you give me dear Deputy Teet here -"

"No," They say in unison again.

"I'm not finished - if you give me Deputy Teet - I'll let you have Jacob for the rest of the day,"

"What?" This time it's me and Jacob in unison as we gape at John.

 

Vega and Jzar gawk at John and then they look at me, I can see the want in their eyes, the inner turmoil as they look at me silently begging. They look at Jacob too who is still trying to comprehend what any of this has to do with him.

"If you give me Deputy Teet's name I'll throw in a bonus,"

"What's the bonus?" Vega blurts out.

John Seed has released his inner lawyer as he sells the deal to the stupid shitheads that are my friends, "Picture this my dear deputies, you two and my brother - a secluded cabin that I own in the valley, there's all the alcohol to drink in the containers up there, you can get my brother here to hunt you your dinner with his bare hands, there's a nice, warm fire and let's not forget the king sized bed in the main bedroom. Among other things that the place has to offer," he completes the sentence with a suggestive smirk, as he drags a hand down his chest to point at them. "All you have to do is tell me her name and give her to me - and then all this," he gestures at Jacob as if he's a raffle prize, "is all yours,"

Jacob thankfully decides to say something, "You really think I'll go along with this John? I can just kill them now to save them the trouble,"

"You won't. If you wanted them dead you'd have killed them already,"

And John has a point which I hate. Jacob has caught us trying to get into his office three times and out of all the times we've been caught in general by the peggies and put in cages, the only person to be seriously hurt is me. Never have I seen Jzar or Vega mortally wounded or have anything broken, the worst they've had is a few scratches. Out of all of us I really thought they'd be the ones getting their asses kicked as they flirt with him every time he appears. I mean it's them sneaking in and making all the noise in the cages. The last time we had been in the cages, it was just me and Vega - we had been chatting quietly as the peggies patrolled and the judges snarled next to us, when out of nowhere Jzar appeared and began pulling at our bars shouting 'Let me in! Let me innnnnn!'. Jacob had come out soon after that and he had shoved Jzar into the cage with us where Vega and Jzar both high-fived. I could of sworn I had seen Jacob smirk. He wasn't smirking now. If looks could kill - John would be dead and I would be a pile of bones - Vega and Jzar would probably both pounce on him if they could see what we could see. Speaking of Vega and Jzar they were both whispering and hitting each other excitedly, Jzar held her mini-camera in her hand as she quickly took a picture of the back of Jacob before hiding the camera in her pocket when he turned at the clicking noise after she began snapping pictures of him eagerly at rapid speed. 

"So -"

John's voice breaks me out of my train of thought and interrupts Jzar and Vega fighting over the camera.

"What will it be deputies?"

Both of them look at me again, they look at my sorry ass which is sat on the floor and they see the blood on my mouth, at the end of the day I know they'll choose me - even if they have some weird fixation on Jacob Seed they'll always choose me. My stomach stirs as I realise this is probably the only time this sort of offer is going to come up and also the last time we'll get in here alive, if John wasn't here we'd probably be in the cages - or I'd be dead and hung on the mantle. I am so reluctant to say what I'm about to say, but then I think of my time with the two deputies. Like the time we had been flying in a helicopter and me and Jzar had dived out to hear a talking Vega stop her conversation halfway through to scream and jump out and berate us on the radio; or the time we blew up the Joseph statue and we had danced on The Father's head as we sing-shouted 'ALL NIGHT LONG!' or the time we had crashed on a sofa in a cabin we had found and we cuddled under a worn blanket eating a pizza we discovered stashed away and cooked as we had finally found a cabin with a working oven and even better some sort of electricity due to the generator out back - Vega and Jzar had made me watch Jacob's broadcast over and over again as they squealed. The rest of the night had been warm cuddles and the three of us laughing the night away.

Before Vega and Jzar can say no again I interrupt them with a, "Wait,"

Four pairs of eyes turn to me as I drag my ass off the floor and I wave off John as he steps forward when I almost fall back down.

"Jacob - if you promise - you swear on your pathetic life that you won't hurt them I'll give you your stupid plane back,"

I had stolen Jacob's plane and had given it to my two friends as a gift, Vega had hugged me hard and Jzar had climbed in declaring that the 'seats still smelt like him', Vega had leapt off me at that and they both flew off, a garish red plane soaring in the sunset as they shot down another one of John's silos as I drove underneath them as we travelled through Holland Valley, John had contacted me as soon as we returned and two 'Ooohhs' chimed in on my radio making me flush and roll my eyes.

He turns to me again brow raised, "What else?"

"What else do you want?"

"The location of the Wolf's Den,"

"No,"

"Then no deal,"

John must have expected Jacob to be difficult because he struts over, hips swaying when he leans into Jacob's ear and whispers. All three of us lean in to listen to what he says but John is quick with his words because by the time we can sort of distinguish what he's saying he pulls back and smiles at me. It must have worked - whatever he said - Jacob's ears are tinged red and his neck is slightly flushed, but the scowl remains. I walk to John and sigh as I offer my wrists, "Let's go then asshole don't I have sins to atone for?"

"Not yet my dear. I need a name,"

"Look that's not happening,"

Turning to me he frowns, "Why is that?"

Grinning wildly I lean into his face with smug satisfaction, "Because we made a deal - there's no way they'd give my name up for a bit of ass - ask for anything else and yeah they will but they'll never tell you m-"

"Grace,"

Time actually fucking freezes as I slowly turn to look Jzar in the eyes, my anger grows when I stare at the obnoxious 'You eat ass'. I think I'm breaking my fingers at the strength of my clenching, my teeth grind as I stare into the black plastic and I snarl as she flinches away. I'm about to kick her in the mouth when I hear a very familiar clicking noise - John has cuffed my wrists. I slowly turn to him and he's grinning like a mad man - which he is let's be honest. I can see my reflection in his teeth.

"Well well well - my dear Grace - a woman of so much sin with a name so pure? I'll enjoy stripping your soul clean and making you atone my dear Deputy Grace," he leans in as he grasps my handcuffed wrists, when our foreheads touch I let out a surprised snort and try and lean back as he gets closer. 

"Go Teet!"

I got to shout 'Fuck off Vega' but I'm stopped before I can yell as John pulls me forward into a very unwanted kiss, I stare at Jzar and Vega who begin snickering as John kisses me hard, he pulls away after I don't show any response, he seems pleased anyway with his pink cheeks and grin. 

"Well - brother I hope you enjoy your time with Deputy Vega and Deputy Jzar here, I'll be taking Grace here with me to atone!" 

John grabs my cuffs and begins to whisk me away my pale and defeated self, I turn to look at Vega and Jzar who have the cheek to wave me off as I'm pulled away.

"Wear protection! Keep the seed to Seed! Tell him to pull out Teet!" Vega yells.

She's accompanied by Jzar who shouts as well, "Teet dominate that weed of a man! Show him a real ass!"

 

I look at Jacob, he's scratching his head as he looks at the giggly deputies he now belongs to for the rest of the day, he grunts as he stretches and goes to walk out with me and John as he calls to them, "Pups it's either now or never - we either go to the cabin now or I shove you in the cages,"

"Pups? Don't you wanna call us by our names?" Vega grabs his arms and wiggles her eyebrows as she leans against him.

"No,"

"Don't worry 'Wolf-man' you'll be screaming them later," Jzar grabs his other arm and wiggles her sunglasses as her eyebrows are hidden by the thick lenses.

At this point I'm clinging to the door frame with an awkward grab due to how close my are wrists are in proximity, I can't help but cackle at a very distressed Jacob trapped with two very rowdy deputies clinging to him, I don't think they'll make it to the cabin judging by how Vega yanks at his jacket.

"I'll drop your plane off tomorrow after I escape!"

"You better Deputy,"

John has me by the waist as I cling to the door with my hands gripping the wood and my legs elevated, "What do you - mean - Deputy Grace? You'll be staying with me - I'll make you - atone and you'll be with me for the - collapse!" John huffs as he tries to drag me off the door.

"Watch me pretty boy I'll be long gone before you can ever cut the 'W',"

"Who said I was going to cut 'Wrath' into you Deputy Grace?"

"You did,"

"Well - I've changed my mind," he manages to heave me over his shoulder and with a sharp smack to my ass that makes me squawk he grins as he states, "I'm now going to carve my name right here," with a few extra pats to my ass he carries me away.

I struggle to get out of his grip, and then I hear it - "Oh Jacob! I always knew you were a commando type of man!" I choke with laughter. Now I for sure know they won't be making it to the cabin. Jacob's office door is slammed and locked and I hear Jzar screaming 'Off! Off! Off!'. Snorting I allow John to carry me away. They can enjoy a few rounds with Jacob and then I'll make my move - well - maybe after I tattoo my name on John's neck. With teeth or tattoo gun I haven't decided yet.

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this let me know! Should I make this a series of three best friends annoying the Seeds?  
> I had fun writing this and if anyone would like me to do any one-shots for them please let me know!
> 
> 'he calls wrath' will be updated tomorrow! I've been working on that and this request so the story has been delayed so I apologise! It'll be up tomorrow so I hope you all enjoy this craziness as an apology! Thank you all!
> 
> my instagram - god_chicken_teet


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